Drunk Driver

Only a person in Louisiana could think of this. From the parish
where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Houma,
Louisiana. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so intoxicated thqt he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed like an eternity, in which he tried his keys on
five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off ( it was
a fine, dry, summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a
coupleof times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He
moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed little and then
remained still for a few more min;u;tes as some more of the other
patrons vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he
pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flasing lights, pormptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any
alcohol at all!!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", the truly proud Cajun said. "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

Three Italian Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months.

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was

an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in

South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor

grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were

Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem

for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to

visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the

priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and

raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the

wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was

called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's

yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and

watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he

carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a

deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

The Honeymoon

Boudreaux and Marie got married. Boudreaux was a "man about town" so

to speak, but Marie was very naive and uninformed about the birds and

the bees.

Boudreaux was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off

for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack.

When Boudreaux was undressing Marie said, "Oh Boudreaux, what is that?"

Boudreaux, being very quick thinking, said, "Marie, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Marie was happy.

The next morning Boudreaux went off to work as usual. When he

returned home that evening, Marie was on the front porch obviously upset about

something.

"Boudreaux, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Thibodeaux the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Boudreaux said, "Oh, Marie, Thibodeaux is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."

Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Boudreaux went off to work the next morning; and, when he returned home, Marie was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Boudreaux said, "Marie, what is the matter now?"

"Boudreaux, you gave Thibodeaux the best one!!".

Christian Convert

Jerry, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Jerry's neighbors, including Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jerry, and suggested that Jerry convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Jerry attended Mass. And as the priest sprinkled holy water over Jerry, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Jerry's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night

Arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the priest immediately and, as he rushed into Jerry's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Jerry, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Jerry, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:

"You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

Free Drinks

Boudreaux and Thibadeaux wanted to go out drinking, but they only had
$2.00 between them.
Boudreaux said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Thibadeaus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Boudreaux replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Boudreaux immediately ordered two double shot
of Jack Daniels. Thibadeaux said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this !!"
Boudreaux replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.

Boudreaux said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk all for
free.

At the tenth pub Thibadeaus said, "Boudreaux - I don't think I can do this
anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killin' me!"
Boudreaux said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
bar!"

Lenten Resolutions

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were finishing off a great Mardi Gras on Tuesday night. Both had been imbibing for nearly two weeks and thier last bit of common sense had been left in Rayne on the way to the Big Easy. At around midnight Boudreaux felt overcome by the Lenten Spirit (or Abita Turbo Dogs) and stood up on a stool and announced that he was giving up drinking for Lent. The many friends with them patted him on the back and wished him luck while thinking there was no way he could do it. All except Thibodeaux.

Thibodeaux was one who did not like to be outdone. In a fit of pride supercharged by fourteen days of living on cold beer and raw oysters, Thibodeaux grabbed a stool, stood teetering on it and declared, much to Marie's suprise, that he was giving up sex for lent.

You could have heard a pin drop. Even the juke box was so dumbstruck, it stopped playing. Thibodeaux knew even then that he had made a big mistake.

After getting thier ashes on Wednesday the revelers. still in a post-Gras stupor, got together and discussed thier situation. Both knew they were in need of divine intervention, but since this on one of only 5 masses they attended regulary, they decided to rely on each other for support. Thier plan was to meet each Sunday afternoon and motivate each other to get through the following week.

The first Sunday meeting went about as expected. Boudreaux really didn't have a taste for alchohol yet and Marie was so peeved at Thibodeaux he couldn't have had sex with her if she had been dead. Anyway it had only been 5 days. Anybody can quit for 5 days.

On the following Sunday, day twelve, the two partners in fasting, met as planned. Boudreaux immediately exclaimed that he was dyyyyyying for a beer. He tried to hide the shakes when Clotile was around and was not able to sleep through the night. Thibodeaux proudly proclaimed that he was doing fine, helped along by Marie who was obligingly helpful. He told Boudreaux to hang in there and and that it would get better soon.

When day nineteen rolled around, Boudreax was decidely better but Thibodeaux was starting to have second thoughts about his hastily made promise to God. Boudreaux stated that he may have finally gotten over the hump. It was like slogging through the marsh to get to a duck blind; tough going, but worth the work. He was sleeping like a baby, quit shaking and could remember where he had been yesterday. (a new experience unto itself) Thibodeaux's story was quite different. Marie was now taunting him by wearing slinky camouflage nighties to bed and he was having a hard time with that. On top of that he was normally pretty active so this was killing him.

And so it went for the next 5 weeks. Boudreaux steadily getting better and Thibodeaux on a steady decline. But week after week Boudreaux kept after him and Thibodeaux remained strong. Or so it seemed.

Finally Easter Sunday arrived (one of those five masses) and the two arrived at the church for 930 mass. Boudreaux was beaming. He had made his forty days of fasting and was better for it. Everything about him showed he was a better man for it. Thibodeaux on the other hand came to worship looking rather forelorn. Boudreaux couldn't understand. Just last week, with the end in sight, he had given Thibodeaux his best pep talk ever. He thought for sure that something else must have been on Thibodeaux's mind. He ambled over and the two walked away from the rest of the congregation.

Boudreaux: "Wus da mattta cher?"

Thibodeaux: "Oh Boudreaux. I did a bad ting cher."

Boudreaux: "You didn't?"

Thibideaux: "I did."

Boudreraux: "What happened?"

Thibodeaux: "Well Marie and me wuz trying to find somethin' for supper las Thursday. Marie
she was leaning over da freezer looking through da meats and I was standing behind her watchin' her cute bottom wiggle around and den her skirt moved up too far and she had on my favoritist little panties and I just couln't take it no more. I had to right dere on the freezer."

Boudreaux: "OOOOH Cher! Dey gonna throw you out da church!"

Thibodeaux: "Why not. Dey already won't let us back in da Wal-Mart!!!!!"

The Right Bait

One day Boudreaux is fishing from his pier when Thibodeaux comes paddling down the bayou with a pirogue full of duct tape. Boudreax asks "Thibodeax, where you goin' wit dat duk tape?" Thibodeaux replies, "Duk huntin'." Boudreax informs him that you don't hunt ducks with duct tape. Thibodeaux ignores the advice and at sunset returns with a pirogue full of mallards.

The next day Thibodeaux comes paddling by with his pirogue full of Nutra Sweet. Boudreaux asks "Where you goin' wit dat dere Nutra Sweet?" Thibodeaux replies "Nutria huntin', cher." Again Boudreaux advises his friend of his error in bait selection and continues to fish. At supper time Boudreaux sees Thibodeax paddling back home with a pirogue full of nutria.

He is amazed.

On the third day Boudreax is fishing when he spots Thibodeaux paddling up the bayou with a pirogue full of sticks. Boudreaux asks "What you got dere my friend?" Thibodeaux replies, "Pussywillow." Boudreaux says "Wait for me, cher. I need my coat!!!!!!"